Because somehow, despite the dumb fun and blood that was Machete, the sequel is dull. How this has happened is a mystery, although I think I know the answer...
For those of you who have missed the history of this Mexican masterpiece, some history - director Robert Rodriguez and his mate Quentin Tarantino had a fun idea a few years ago, deciding to pay homage to the grindhouse genre with the double bill of Death Proof and Planet Terror.
Amidst all the fun and guns, there were some trailers for fake films. These turned out to be rather popular, and before you can say 'in-joke', Machete went from being a pretend trailer to a real film.
And it was good. Guns were fired, heads were cut off, limbs flew like leaves in the breeze and Lyndsay Lohan was a nun. It was bonkers brilliant.
Inevitably, there had to be a sequel - so here we are.
The wonderful Danny Trejo is back as the titular blade-wielding hero, Michelle Rodriguez (no relation) is back as the leader of the underground movement, Jessica Alba reprises her role as Sartana Rivera - it should all work.
And for about twenty minutes, it does.
Having been recruited by the President Of The United States (Charlie Sheen, performing under his birth name of Carlos Estevez to add to the Latino flavour), Machete must go into Mexico and come back with the man who is pointing a missile at Washington.
And again, limbs are hacked off with gay abandon, heads roll, things go boom and bang - it's a rollicking laugh.
Then it stops being fun.
Part of the problem is a switch in humour. Rather than sticking to the tried-and-tested approach of just killing people in entertaining ways, Rodriguez decides to try and be actually funny.
The writing's on the wall when we see 'The South West Wing' on the President's office door, and it's down hill from there.
Later we get to meet Mel Gibson's Luther Voz, the man with the plan and a love of Star Wars, and it's at this point you realise Rodriquez has been watching too many Naked Gun movies. Only no one laughs.
In fact it almost descends into a bad Bond film by the end, which is a horrible place for anyone to end up - especially when you probably think you're being funny while you do it.
Because, for the fans of the first film (and I count myself as one) the joy was in the brutal simplicity. It was an 18-certificate film (Kills is a mere 15 you'll notice) with lots of blood, guts, gore and violence. Which is what I wanted.
Now I'm being force-fed unfunny, sanitised pish - without Lohan in a habit, but with Mel Gibson. This is not good.
You see, what a lot of people don't realise is there is actually a knack to acting badly. You have to be able to act well to pull it off - because the people in the original films thought they were actually acting well.
And that's something Trejo gets, Rodriguez (the Michelle one) gets it too. Gibson not so much.
Then there's Amber Heard. Sure she looks good, and she showed in The Rum Diary that she can actually perform in front of the camera, but here she's terrible. She's trying to do the 'bad acting' thing, but just ends up acting very badly.
The poor performances are highlighted further when Antonio Banderas rocks up (and, to a lesser degree Cuba Gooding Jnr). Suddenly the screen returns to life and the joy and abandon of those almost forgotten opening 20 minutes are back with us. He gets it. And we get it.
No one gets Gibson though.
Even Sheen is in on the idea, although in his case it's how he's been acting ever since he decided he was "winning", but hey - if it works, it works. It's just a pity that Gibson's own meltdown hasn't had as good an outcome...
You may have heard that Lady Gaga also appears. But if she didn't, you'd have missed nothing.
Basically this is just a long list of 'could have beens'. This could have been more violent, this could have been funnier, this could have been good.
Instead you get a great opening, a few bright spots towards the end, and a long dull wait for a reprieve in the middle. Even gun-toting hookers with machine gun bras and strap-on pistols can't save this.
Can't remember the last time I watched a film thinking it could have been improved by Lohan.
Oh, and there's also a trailer at the start about Machete being in space. It's funny until you get to the end of the film, when you realise you've basically watched 100 minutes of set-up for the next movie.
Which, if we're really lucky, they won't get to make.
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