Geostorm (12A)

About halfway through director Dean Devlin’s  Geostorm, I sighed. 

At precisely the same moment so did one the female cast. It was at this point that I realised it was time to leave. 

I honestly didn't think I would actually make it that far, for the sub-plot cliches had drained my will to live.

Then a car-crash happened that I couldn't tear my ears from. I kept waiting to see if it was as bad as my ears had made out. 

After the third confirmation that it had stopped being an 'omg' moment I got distracted - where had I heard a worse English accent? 

I suppose Dick Van Dyke is up there in most people's book, but I do believe that Daphne's ex-fiancee in Frasier comes very, very close. 

However, that a blockbuster movie could fall into such a trap is, in the end, just appalling. 

What the hell were they thinking? They even compound it by making the schmuck one of the villains. 

A British villain? No! Never!

Now it's not that the film doesn't look great, but then give a group of monkeys the time and money and they could definitely turn out something as good given the level CGI has reached. 

Indeed I realised at one point that when pointless romantic/heartbreaking family problems appeared on screen, I was reaching for the remote to fast forward to the next bit of CGI. 

Of course I then felt that gut-wrenching realisation that I was in a cinema.

At that point I made my excuses and left.

Oh, and by the way, Andy Garcia plays POTUS. 

I didn't realise that it was him until I checked the cast list trying to find out who the gor-blimey git villain was played by. 

There are botch jobs and botch jobs but face transplants? Who knew?

I can't be bothered to recount the plot for it isn't worth it. Suffice to say it is so inept and cliched that it doesn't deserve to  be awarded a Golden Turkey. 

I know some will bring the aesthetic into play here but that isn't good enough. If you are as grumpy as me - unlikely, I know - this will make you want to scream and throw things at the screen such is it cliched ineptitude.  

Wait for it on Amaflix/Sky and have fun lobbing various objects at five seconds of the excruciating sub-plots and then fast-forwarding to the CGI from the comfort of your own settee.

 With wine. 

Lots of wine. 

You will need it.

Gavin King