Right then, off we go...
Hang on, what's Joanna Lumley up to?
Oh, right. How did we miss that she was presenting? Should be fun...
Do we really Dermot presenting on the red carpet? Or doing anything for that matter?
And that's Cirque de Soleil there, performing to the theme from Last Of The Summer Wine apparently...
The jokes need work, has to be said...
A quick recap of the last 12 months, giving us all a chance to remember all the films we didn't get to see. HOW HAVE WE STILL NOT WATCHED BEAUTY AND THE BEAST????
Right, gong time. First up, Outstanding British Film. Jennifer Lawrence doing the honours here.
And the nominations are: God's Own Country, Paddington 2, The Death Of Stalin, Three Billboards..., Lady Macbeth, Darkest Hour.
And the winner is... Three Billboards! (ahh, British through Film4 and a British crew)
Now, the EE Rising Star award. Presented by Margo Robbie and Octavia Spencer!
Nominees are: Daniel Kaluuya, Florence Pugh, Timothée Chalamet, Josh O'Connor, Tessa Thompson. And Danny Boy wins! The clever little sod. Nice one Tea Leaf!
I'm guessing it's not THAT Sam Fox he's just thanked...
Ahh, he's dedicated the award to his mum who's in the audience.
Next up, Adapted Screenplay.
Will it be Film Stars Don't Die In Liverpool, The Death Of Stalin, Call Me By Your Name, Molly's Game, Paddington 2.
And the Bafta goes to... Call Me By Your Name and James Ivory. Should probably get around to watching that.
Eh up, Best Supporting Actor gong is here.
Hugh Grant (a fine up-and-coming young star), Woody Harrelson, Willem Dafoe (thought The Florida Project was pish personally), Christopher Plummer (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and Sam Rockwell.
That's two from Billboards there...
And the Bafta goes to Sam Rockwell! YES! Think I called that one...
Only Rockwell could look like he fell out of bed in his tux just before running onto the stage. Great speech though. Dedicated to his "pal" Alan Rickman.
Ooh, Production Design. One of those awards that we all kind of gloss over...
Nominees then... Dunkirk, Beauty And The Beast, Darkest Hour, Blade Runner 2049, The Shape Of Water. With The Shape Of Water grabbing that one.
In other news, Toby Jones also looks like he overslept and is wearing another man's suit.
And now, Special Visual Effects. isn't Star Wars up for this?
Star Wars. So I was right. Ha.
Oh, and The Shape Of Water, Dunkirk, Blade Runner 2049, War For The Planet Of The Apes.
And the best effects were: Blade Runner.
Probably deserved to be fair.
Right, Outstanding Debut time.
And the winners are Rungano Nyoni (Writer/Director), Emily Morgan (Producer) for I Am Not A Witch.
No pre-written speech here. Excellent!
Right, we're about half way through. So far, nothing awkward or embarrassing...
Oops, spoke too soon. Bad dance segue alert.
Next up, Supporting Actress.
Bryan Cranston presenting, enjoying himself and doing terrible jokes and accents.
Right, we have Allison Janney, Kristen Scott Thomas, Laurie Metcalf, Lesley Manville, Octavia Spencer.
And the winner is Allison Janney. Well deserved, but her dress designer needs shooting.
And the first tears of the night...
Right, what's next?
Ahh, the RIP roll call. Time for a wee and more wine.
How many "nope, missed them"s did you notch up? We're on four.
Listen up, it's Sound Design.
And we have Dunkirk, Baby Driver, Blade Runner 2049, The Shape Of Water and Star Wars.
And Dunkirk gets it's first gong of the evening.
Julie Walters looking a smidge bored there as the D team hit the steps to the stage...
Could be a long speech or two here.
Ooh, Original Screenplay time.
Nominated are... The Shape Of Water, Lady Bird, Three Billboards, Get Out, I, Tonya (that's an annoying comma when doing a list).
And Three Billboards wins again!
Leading Actor time, folks.
It's between Daniel Kaluuya, Daniel Day Lewis, Jamie Bell, Timothée Chalamet, Gary Oldman.
Gary Oldman getting the nod there. Will the Oscar follow next month?
Kristen Scott Thomas forcing the ol' smile a bit much there. Is she not a fan?
Leading Actress now follows as tradition dictates.
And we have Frances McDormand, Saoirse Ronan, Annette Bening, Sally Hawkins, Margot Robbie. (The cat seems to have picked Benning).
And Frances adds to the Three Billboard haul! And she gets the biggest cheer of the night for her dress. Excellent stuff.
Best. Speech. Ever.
(or tonight certainly).
Time for Best Director. If Nolan gets this, I'm cancelling Easter.
In the running are Christopher Nolan, Guillermo Del Toro, Luca Guadagino, Martin McDonagh and Denis Villeneuve.
Hurrah, Easter is saved. Guillermo has won!
And now it's Best Film time. Place your bets...
And we have Three Billboards, Dunkirk (previous warning stands), The Shape Of Water, Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour.
And this year's bestest film is Three Billboards. Easter lives again.
Right, Fellowship time. A balding young royal will be presenting this to Ridley Scott while we all agree that this one definitely looks like his dad.
How quickly we forget that Ridley did the Hovis ad.
To be fair, he's done a couple of good movies too. Thelma And Louise wasn't bad. Alien's OK. Gladiator's fun.
Jokes need work there, Ridley.
Ridley going for the Director's Cut version of his speech.
Well, as this all winds to a weary, wordy, waffling conclusion, a glance at Twitter tells me people have decided Ms Middleton's dress is the most important thing to be talking about right now.
How we became the dominant species on this floating rock remains a mystery.
Right, we're off to write our Black Panther review and prepare for the Oscars.
Feel free to listen to this when you get a sec...
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