Oh goodie.
oh well, pour the tea and crank up the music, let's get this over with...
Not the most auspicious opening to a review, we'll admit, but have you ever left a cinema having seen a film you've actually enjoyed and yet you feel nothing?
Not on a high, not happy, not flat, not disappointed by anything — literally nothing.
Like the film hadn't even existed.
It is the most disconcerting of feelings.
Because Ocean's 8 isn't a bad film. It's fun. Perfectly entertaining. Can't even be ruined by James Corden.
And yet it was like sitting in a restaurant fir two hours and eating nothing.
As we said, disconcerting.
The cast are many (seriously, there are millions of the buggers) and the big guns of Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett and Anne Hathaway are all on top form.
But there's something slightly off that we can't put our collective digits on...
The story's fine too — Bullock is Danny Ocean's sister who gets released from jail, puts a gang together and goes off to steal All The Things.
And it's not even a Ghosbusters-style all-girl remake (not that that would be a problem over here), it's a new story linking to the original franchise.
But...
Somehow....
Well, for a start it's not as slick as the previous three films. It's like half a beat off what it could be. Like a drummer playing with a hangover.
And it's also a right sod to write about.
And the problem is this film evoked nothing lasting, there was no strong feelings either way.
We could have not seen this film and felt exactly the same.
And that's arguably a bigger crime than the heist the girls carry out.
All art — music, theatre, writing, film, paintings, photography, you name it — should make you feel.
Your emotions should be involved in some way, shape or form.
Anger's an emotion, so at least Michael Bay manages that with the dross he trots out.
Shame and disappointment are feelings, so even Fallen Kingdom managed that one.
But nothing?
No, we're not having that.
Sure, some people were angered by this — at least one comment we've heard concerned the fact that the girls stealing diamonds was a cliche — but that says more about them than the film.
It's not like a planned raid on a high-end hardware store was ever going to make it past the ideas stage, is it?
Honestly though, if that's the only thing that you took away from the film then somewhere the film has failed.
Mind you, it's more than we got.
We're glad that Ocean's 8 exists, and in some ways we're glad that we saw it — we just wanted something more from the experience.
Still, they've got two more films to get it right.
Which should be fun...
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