Well, with The Spy Who Dumped Me, you're luck is in. At least one of those things will definitely happen.
For both to be achieved, arriving at the cinema without your socks will give you a head start...
First, let's deal with the plot. Because of all the things wrong with this film, amazingly that isn't one of them.
Right, if you're sitting comfortably...
Mila Kunis' ex-boyfriend turns out to be a spy, who's dying wish is that she takes a thing to Austria. Naturally her bestie Kate McKinnon has to go too, because reasons. From here we chase our way across Europe, insult at least three nationalities, career wildly between feminism and toilet humour and people get shot.
At some points, you will laugh. But it's unlikely that Kunis and McKinnon will be involved.
Ooh, no, I tell a lie, there's one scene. But that's in the trailer.
Still made us laugh, granted. But that was it.
If one were to use The Good Doctor's Six Laugh Test (hello to Jason Isaacs), TSWDM falls short by at least one.
Which is not great for a comedy.
But hey, let's not dwell on the negatives.
Well, not yet.
Let's look at the plus points of this action spy thriller comedy espionage drama heist caper.
There's a car chase through the streets of Vienna that is brilliantly filmed and really captures the speed and physicality of the escapade.
And bodies are flying everywhere.
This bit is FUN.
And the chuckles and single laugh are at funny moments. Granted the bar is low (and the less said about the Hitler joke the better), but hey a laugh is a laugh and here they are like showers in the desert.
You make the most of them.
But then we have all the other stuff.
For a start, let's look at the cast.
The main two I'm fans of, and yet together it's a problem. Kunis does deadpan, McKinnon is a gurning, goofing clown.
This film did not need a clown.
Then we have Gillian Anderson (her mouth barely moves), Sam Heughan (if he stops moving you fail to notice him) and Hasan Minhaj, who has taken the brave step of leaping from the safety of The Daily Show into this movie.
No one catches him.
Then we have the villains.
Take a moment, and write down everyone you think would make a fantastic Russian villain. When you're done, add everyone who would do an OK job.
Now list all those who you'd choose if the first groups were all suddenly killed in a freak accident.
Now list all those who, if the the first three groups were sucked into a vacuum, you'd pick if your life depended on finishing the film.
The guy they chose will not feature on that final list.
Can't name him, because it's a TWIST, but — and I say this as a fan of his — playing a Russian villain is really not his strength.
Hell, it's not even his weakness. That would be an upgrade.
Then there's the editing.
Look, I know this is a story not a documentary, I know this is fantastical and not based in anything any of us would class as a reality. But believability is still key to telling a tale.
And a man with his left arm in a sling who is then seen steering a car with his left arm before later performing a handbrake turn (a two-handed task in any language) is a problem.
Because if you haven't noticed that error in the editing process, what else have you missed?
(The answer lies in the teeth brushing scene).
Then there's the tone of thing.
Essentially, The Spy Who Dumped Me has been created by people who have never seen a spy movie but did watch the Naked Gun films but thought they were documentaries.
We have quips, slapstick, thrills, violence that needs the film to have a darker tone to carry it off, attempts at clever dialogue, toilet humour...
...but none of it sticks around long enough to become the main theme of the piece.
Which means your mind is prone to wander at stages, because the drama isn't dramatic enough and the comedy theme of the moment isn't funny enough to sustain your attention.
At one stage we started coming up with a list of things we would rather be doing: algebra, knitting, sawing our toes off one at a time...
This list made us laugh more than anything the film could throw at us.
I don't like slagging films off (although, given recent outings caring enough to be annoyed is most welcome), but at the same time I'm not going to applaud a sub-standard effort just because I agree with the ideals behind it.
Two female leads? Great. Two female leads running, shooting and hitting stuff? Brilliant. Two female leads doing all that and being hilariously funny? I'd pay good money to see that.
Instead we get a mishmash of ideas barely strung together, played out with misjudged sense of it's ability to entertain.