Terminator: Dark Fate (15)

So, let's be clear about this. This isn't a sequel to 2015's terrible Genysis thing. No no, that would be too easy.

It doesn't even pick up the action from T3 (Rise Of The Machines). I mean, why do that eh?

No no. Much better to ignore the third film in the franchise, and the two subsequent films (although to be fair that's no bad thing) and just create a sequel to a film that came out in 1991.

And you thought they left it a while before doing Zombieland 2, eh?

So, throw everything you know in the bin and off we go again.

We now live in a world where Sarah and John Connor made it to a tropical island, only for Arnie to pop up and finish the job before buggering off.

This has left the world Johnless and with a royally pissed off Sarah.

Into this world drops Grace, an augmented human from 2045 who has to save young Dani from a new, more terrifying terminator.

Which basically means we've waited 18 years for the same story to be told.

And therein lies the problem here.

We have robots chasing humans, we have an human who will be the saviour of mankind and lots of running, hitting and explosions.

It's a nuts and bolts action film. With a dash of Robocop thrown in for good measure.

And given that T2 was the coolest film around way back when, to bring all that back (and there are homages and references all over the shop) in such a limp, drawn-out, bloated way is just a crushing disappointment.

Now, let's be clear about this - we were stocked to be going to see this. Almost giddy in fact.

I mean, Connor's back (and Linda Hamilton is still the coolest badass gun-toting chick around), Arnie's back (not a spoiler, it's in the trailer), and in places it is genuinely funny.

And in other places the action and tension are great.

But it's clear the script just wasn't up to snuff and they hoped to save everything with bigger and bigger set pieces as the whole thing dawdled on.

Well, sorry, it's not enough.

It's also not fair on the two central characters.

Mackenzie Davis (Grace) and Natalia Reyes (Dani) are strong, commanding screen presences and they basically make this film.

The action and drama is handled with power and panache and in lesser hands we'd have an even worse film.

What makes their performances even more outstanding is the dross they have to deal with. The dialogue is perfunctory at best, and the supporting and incidental characters are so paper thin you can almost see through them.

There is, however, one big plus to this movie — and it's genuinely something we hadn't thought of, but thankfully our viewing companion did.

This is a film with strong central female characters. No cleavage is needed. No smiling and twirling hair to get a thing done. No.

These three (kinda have to include Hamilton here) take no crap and shoot and punch their way through every bit of trouble.

The result on the female members of the audience (well, the one we were sitting with anyhoo) was to put a big grin on their face.

And if it can do that to a cynical, world weary woman - imagine what it will do to a younger generation of film makers.

Which, frankly, is brilliant.

And saves the film.

This is boring, action-by-numbers piffle with a plot looking for a story and dialogue in need of life support.

But this is also a film showing women can be as strong as men, can handle all the stuff they traditionally get sidelined from, and it should be applauded for this.

Now, if you don't mind, we've got a quadrology box set that needs trimming....

Zombieland: Double Tap (15)

Amazingly, it's been ten years since we first got to play in Zombieland — ten long years.

Back then the thought of a reality TV star becoming president was laughable. The idea that a country would tear itself apart simply because a bunch of billionaire want to avoid tax scrutiny simply absurd.

But we are where we are, eh?

And while no one was champing at the bit for either of those hypothetical situations to become reality, we're not totally sure that anyone was signing petitions or taking to the streets to find out what happened to Columbus, Little Rock, Wichita and Tallahassee.

But hey, we've been wrong twice already....

So ten years on we're back in Z-Land — and because these guys know what they're doing, we pick up the action ten years on.

Little Rock isn't so little, Wichita  and Columbus are attempting to be a couple and Tallahassee is... well... ten years older.

And that's pretty much it.

Then Little Rock goes AWOL and the gang have to hit the road to get her back, fighting zombies as they go.

If you saw the first one, you know this is done with equal parts gore and hilarity.

There's no wheel that needs reinventing here.

Which, going in to this, was the big fear.

This first film should not have worked as well as it did. It was geeky, gawky and basically just a few gags linking zombie splattery. With added fun graphics.

And it was great.

So, the hope was that nothing would be tinkered with too much.

And delightfully, it hasn't been.

Yes, the main cast  (Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin) are all bigger, more established stars than they were before — plus we now have an Oscar and three nominations on screen.

And the additions to the team (Zoey Deutch, Rosario Dawson, Luke Wilson and Thomas Middleditch) all hold their own and add to the fun.

Hell, even Wilson manages not to be too annoying.

And that's really the strength of this film.

It's meant to be fun. It's meant to be quirky. It's meant to have zombies getting splatted everywhere.

And that's what you get.

It's rips along at a cracking pace, doesn't overstay its welcome, and there's no flab on the bones. It's a tight ride and there are no passengers.

OK, maybe Berkley, but even he isn't too annoying.

The other master card Double Tap pulls off is remembering its own history and heritage. A call back to a joke from ten years ago is a brave move, but the writers remembered it and they trust that we do too.

And they're right.

As we may have hinted at the start of this waffle, the world is not the place it was in 2009 — and we need laughter more than ever.

So it's awesome that not only does Zombieland 2 deliver the laughs in spades, but you're still chuckling about things long after you've got home.

Ten years may be a long gap between films, but in this case it was worth it.

Joker (15)

As mentioned in our little LobbyCast offshoot, never underestimate our ability to know nothing about a film before we go in to it.

This is quite deliberate, as we try and form a 'fresh' opinion, but also remarkably liberating as we get pleasant surprises.

And yes, we're aware that sounds remarkably wanky.

So, heading to see Joker, we were aware of the star, that the director had said Dumb Stuff, and that the Guardian had described it as the worst film of the year.

Which, along with us wondering if we actually needed a film about Gotham's finest loon, suggested we would probably like it.

Turns out we do and we did.

Largely because we helpfully didn't know what to expect – which is almost where people who have complained about this film have come unstuck.

This film is many things – dark, nasty, violent – but what it isn't is funny or a 'superhero film'.

It's also, possibly, DC's finest film to date. For all of the reasons listed above.

Now, granted, no one really thought we needed this film (apart from DC's accountants, obvs) – we've had three defining Joker performances to date, so a fourth was always going to be a big ask.

And Jared Leto had a go too, don't forget.

But by removing any fighting with Batman and focussing entirely on how Joker came to be, Joaquin Phoenix and writer/director Todd Phillips have given us a gritty, 70s-esque movie which pulls no punches.

Central to this is Phoenix himself, who puts in a perfectly measured performance – pulling for your pity while only hinting at the madness that lurks beneath.

The other masterstroke is setting the film in a very real, very modern Gotham, where cutbacks and job losses have the many on their knees while the few carry on as if nothing is happening.

Sound familiar?

The pace of the film is delightfully slow without being laboured, and the supporting cast do just enough to keep you focussed and interested.

And then there's the small matter of Robert De Niro.

Apparently we were the only people to not register that he was in this film, which was great. As is his performance as TV host Murray Franklin, layered and subtle and perfectly positioned against Phoenix.

Topping the whole nasty mess off is the score – if you're a fan of the cello, then this is the film for you.

Moody, haunting jarring, Hildur Guðnadóttir (Chernobyl, Sicario: Day of the Soldado) has created something here that stays with you long after the credits have rolled.

Sadly, but not surprising given this is a DC film, Joker is not without its problems.

The soundtrack features one song that will make you sit up and almost shout WTF in the middle of the cinema, and the two cops trying to track down Joker (or Arthur Fleck as they know him) are basically lifted from any 80s cop show you care to name.

And while the film has things to say about mental health and inequality, you don't get any sense that Phillips really cares or is interested.

Nor do you get any sense that the story, albeit one with a simple, linear narrative, really knows where it is going.

It's a credit to Phoenix that these things fail to detract from the whole experience.

Perhaps the finest thing about this film is the fact it stands alone. Yes, we know the character, yes we've seen him before, but here he's given his own playground and you don't need to have seen any other DC film to get on board.

In fact, Joker stands so alone that it's hard to see where DC go with him from here – because trying to bolt this version into the current DCU will take a crowbar the size of Gotham itself.

But such fears are for another day. For now, just sit back and wallow in the pain, misery and mayhem Phoenix has brought to life with a rare vulnerability.

Spider-Man: Far From Home (12A)

It would seem absolutely everyone has now seen the latest, maybe even the last, Spider-Man outing – everyone, that is, except us.

So, a mere 76768686587689686876 days after release, we finally managed to tear ourselves away from everything else claiming our attention and went and sat in a darkened room to enjoy Spider-Man Goes On Holiday.

We'll be honest, though, with a mixture of Jake Gyllenhaal (sadly never a name that makes us rush to the tickets-parking-and-snacks desk) and the whole 'character goes abroad' shtick, this was not a film that we'd been eagerly anticipating.

Especially when the on-off romance between Sony and Marvel seemed to be more engrossing (back on at time of typing, but keep an eye...).

But anyhoo, we digress...

So, where we at?

Far From Home is the post-Endgame universe, and the disappearing of the people is being referenced and discussed, and the state of the Avengers is very much at the forefront of things.

Peter Parker, meanwhile, just wants the summer off and when school plan a trip to Europe this seems to sort things out nicely.

He can take in Venice and Paris, buy a thing, give MJ the thing, not be a hero and all will be well.

Which would obviously make for a short film....

So Nick Fury pops up, Happy is around, bad things happen in Venice and we get to meet a new hero – Mysterio (the aforementioned Gyllenhaal) and travel to other places for Reasons.

For those of us of a certain age, this has the feel of an On The Buses or Are You Being Served, where they took the characters abroad because they couldn't think what else to do with them.

Which, granted, is a tad harsh – this is a much better film than either of those – but you can't shake the feeling it really didn't need to go fighting its way across Europe.

That's not to say this isn't a fun film – it really is. There is a lot of humour, some quality slapstick, and the teenage angst of a boy just wanting to be a normal boy is handled deftly and with poignancy.

It just didn't need to happen abroad.

Or in 3D for that matter.

To be fair, the bits that are entirely done for 3D are far less intrusive than was the case back in Andrew Gardield's day, but in a 2D environment they really don't add anything.

All of which is a shame, because beneath all the bluster and extra trimmings is a damn fine film, and arguably one that is needed after Endgame.

It's light and frothy in places, weighty in others without going OTT, and the central trio of Parker (Tom Holland), MJ (the utterly superb Zendaya) and Ned (Jacob Batalon) steal the show from their more seasoned co-stars.

And the central story is strong and engaging, with twists and turns where you want them, while using existing technology to keep believability levels within a reasonable range.

And it possibly sets up the next wave of Marvel movies, depending on the final deal Disney hacks out with Sony.

In a way, Far From Home feels like it's being thrown out as an after-thought, so huge was the finish to things in Endgame.

But in the other paw, there is a warmth and humour here that feels like Spidey has finally found his own little niche in the movie world (something that never quite happened with the previous incarnations).

Overall, while not up there with the greats, this is a welcome palete-cleanser ahead of wherever Marvel are dragging us next.