"A film about the bloke who wrote Dracula - that should be cool!"
It may be, love, but that's not this. It's not even close. Carry on with the filing...
What Stoker is, in fact, is a chilling, suspense-filled, lush, beautiful, wonderful film that would have Hitchcock nodding in approval. If not applauding.
The story is deceptively simple - Richard Stoker has died on daughter India's 18th birthday. At the funeral, his brother Charlie appears, rocking the already upside-down world of India and her mother Evelyn. From here on in, all bets are off.
We know nothing of Charlie, little of Evelyn and nothing of Richard - leaving just the story to reveal the dark desires and twisted secrets of the adults in India's world. Of India, all we know is she has super-sensitive hearing.
And that's it.
What unfolds is dark, sinister, creepy, erotic, funny, creepy and brilliantly disturbed. And creepy.
As India, Mia Wasikowska steals the show - and rightly so. The story is told from her perspective, it's through her we see events unfold and the bodies pile up, and it's with her we come to realise what drives her burgeoning sexual desires.
It's a complex part to play, but Mia envelopes the many facets beautifully - capturing the sexual awakenings of a shy girl who is learning who and what she is to become. It's a measure of Mia's performance that you are on board from the off, never judging, always sympathising.
Opposite her is Matthew Goode, whose portrayal of Uncle Charlie should have him in the Thriller Hall Of Fame by the end of the week. Assuming there is one.
If there isn't, build one. He deserves it.
Having seen him just last week as the smooth-talking Stanley in Stephen Poliakoff's excellent Dancing On The Edge, his appearance here may perhaps have some added punch - but even if you didn't catch the BBC drama, you can't help but be spellbound by his sinister, calm, cold charm.
But this isn't just one couple going at it, oh no - it's a menage a trois, and Nicole Kidman isn't just sitting on the edge of the bed wondering where her night went wrong. As Evelyn, she perfectly captures the brittle fragility of a woman who's just lost everything only for the family secret to waltz through the door. Add this to her role in The Paperboy and Nicole has certainly started the year in style.
Essentially, the film feels like an erotic ballet - perfectly choreographed acts that build to a climax before subsiding ready for the next wave. The fact this is a glowing positive (when it could so easily have come across as stilted and crass) is down entirely to director Chan-wook Park, he of Oldboy fame.
A lot has been made of the fact this is his first English-language film, but frankly while it may be true it's irrelevant.
While Park (or Director Park as he is being referred to in interviews) may not speak English, he is fluent in the language of cinema, and he knows how to seduce an audience. From the outset, Stoker looks stylish - and the darker the film gets, the more lush and vibrant the film becomes.
Fans of Film 2013 will have already heard about the glorious hair-brushing scene, and rightly so, but there are other moments that equally grab you - India going through the cellar, India and Whip (the again excellent Alden Ehrenreich) running off through the moonlit woods, the art class, anything to do with the spiders, anything to do with the shoes....
The list is pretty lengthy.
However, it's not people that are the true stars of this film.
Yes, it's brilliantly directed. Yes, it's flawlessly acted. But it's the sound that's amazing. And in Stoker, that's vital.
As mentioned at the start, we're told from the off that India has exquisite hearing - and while this is a handy plot device, allowing her to hear things she shouldn't, and a great dramatic tool that adds to the suspense, what it also does is allow the sound of the film to almost become a character itself.
Throughout, everything is turned up just that little bit, so you notice them that little bit more. Cars going past, doors closing, spiders walking across floors, necks breaking (I have never squirmed, marvelled and delighted so much in a single cinematic moment ever), all have an added edge that just completes the picture, fuels the drama.
And when India is crushing egg shells, oh man...
It's funny how you rarely really notice sounds in films. They're there, they work, but unless someone fucks up you don't tend to think 'oh well done'. But you do in Stoker.
A lot.
Now, I'll admit, this film isn't for everyone.
If things going bang while people run about is your thing - and why not? - then GI Joe will be along shortly.
If however, you love wallowing in perfectly-paced, beautifully shot moving pictures that make you think as well as creeping you out, if erotic fear is your bag, you're going to just fall in love with this.
The highest praise I can give this film is that there were two people sitting near me who were eating the noisiest popcorn ever made, from a bubble-wrap paper bag I think, while chatting and kicking seats in the row in front of them (and, by default, my seat), and I was so swept up and lost in the film that I stopped noticing.
It was that good.
And just to be clear again - it has nothing to do with vampires.
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