Hello, good evening and welcome. We've got our wine, Richard Parker is in his best bib and tucker, and we've switched Twitter off so we can find out who wins with Stephen Fry and the rest of the universe.
It's what God intended.
Well, not God, obviously. Him and Stephen don't get on so much. But you know what we mean.
Anyhoo, sit back, relax, and enjoy...
OK, who the hell invented Beckham and that pointless bunch of twerps from Leicester?
Julianne Moore looks baffled by Kasabian. Join the club love, never seen the point. In fact, we seem to have a whole room of people wondering why they have to put up with this crap.
"That. Was amazing."
It really bloody wasn't.
Aha, here's the main man, the newly-wed Stephen Fry.
Mr Gervais could learn a thing or two about how to make smut sound innocent from Mr Fry.
Here we go, Outstanding British Film...
Only slightly marred by David Beckham blithering on, reading an autocue like a man more used to picture books.
But I digress...
Outstanding British Film
The Theory Of Everything
No great shock, but from a list that included Paddington, Pride, Under The Skin, '71 and The Imitation Game, no less deserved.
(1-1 so far)
Best Supporting Actor
J.K. Simmons for Whiplash
Get in! Brilliant and so well deserved.
(Might have forgotten to mention the prediction game with Bang The Drum Mag - it's what the scores refer to)
Good grief, Cuba Gooding Jnr actually has a sense of humour.
Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette for Boyhood
Sorry, but no. Everyone else (Knightly, Staunton, Russo, Stone) deserved it far more. AND IT'S NOT A BLOODY WORK OF SODDING ART!
Well, Wes Anderson wins the prize for best speech (and we're only half way through).
Oh damn, we've run out of wine. Onto the Jim Beam we go...
Hmmm, so that's two prizes for Theory Of Everything (Best Adapted Screenplay has just been handed out). Money says it doesn't get the big one now...
Bloody hell, missed Lauren Bacall snuffing it last year.
'Ey up, star of everything James McAvoy is now here to present the Rising Star award (what he went and won 10 years go - how time flies, eh?).
And Jack O'Connel l (off of '71 among others) is that rising star. Bloody well deserved.
And now we have Steve Carrel to discuss Best Director.
Oh look, Richard Linklater. (3-3)
Seriously, just because he bothered the same damn kid for 12 years - doesn't mean the film is actually any bloody good!
Although the film is slightly more fun than Ethan Hawke's tedious waffle we've currently got to endure as Linklater had better things to do than turn up apparently.
Now we're into the big stuff.
Eddie Redmayne (for playing The Prof in Theory, obvs)
In a tough field (Fiennes, Cumberbatch, Keaton, Gyllenhall) was there ever any doubt?
(4-4 if you're keeping score. And I am)
Julianne Moore (for Still Alice)
No one has seen this here in the UK yet (unless you took advantage of Sony's security breach), but she's playing an Alzheimer's sufferer. The others never stood a chance.
Some young upstart called Tom Cruise is presenting the Best Film gong. Ever heard of him? No, me neither.
Oh fer... Really? Maybe if they'd taken 15 years to make Theory, or 20 years to make Budapest? Would a decent film have won then?
Meanwhile, in the background, Tom Cruise is talking to an gay man. Hope he's had his jabs...
Right, as people try and explain why one of the most tedious films in living memory is worth all the fuss, we just have to search out Best Animated Film to see who has won this year's prediction fandango.
Best Animated Film
Oh bloody get it in! Have that Oscars! You didn't even deem it worthy of a mention, but Bafta has shown the way. Everything is indeed awesome!
And that's it, we're all done for another year. We've tied 7-7 with Bang The Drum (who are currently streaming the excellent new Subways album), so it's double or nothing when it comes to The Oscars.
See you there?