We'd all like to cherry pick out way through life and only engage with the things we enjoy and agree with, but that way Brexit lies - so it's necessary to step up to the plate and face whatever is being pitched your way.
Granted, when dealing with DVDs as we are here, there's a greater element of choice. It's unlikely you've arrived in your living room and there's only one film available at a time that suits.
But still, rules is rules, and so regardless of personal opinion and inclination the films must be watched and appraised.
If only to serve as a warning to others.
And there's a gamble to be had here. If, as was the case with Bone Tomahawk, you stumble upon a future classic you may find yourself regretting not getting to see it on the big screen.
Sure, you've got a ginormous telly with all the bells and whistles, but that's no substitute for the real cinema experience now, is it?
On the other hand you may find yourself slumped on the sofa, questioning the choices you've made in life but at least grateful that you didn't have to leave the house to be insulted on just about level.
As, in case you hadn't guessed, was the case here.
In my defence, I didn't hate the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film.
I probably should have done, but I didn't. It was passable fare, especially when you consider the target audience.
Dammit it, it was funnish.
Which begs the question - how the hell did they manage to make a dumb film worse?
From the off, things don't feel right. The opening sequence is there to show off some special effects (and probably the 3D-ery to boot) and as such serves absolutely no purpose.
And the dialogue is terrible. Banter written by someone who has never bantered.
And I'm not thinking this as a man many years above the target age bracket, it is insulting to anyone with a brain.
Then there's the product placement - a lovely new penny to the person who spots what sorts of trainers the basketball player is wearing...
Then we have the first outbreak of swearing. Mine, that is.
I'm sure there's a very important, dramatic reason why we had to watch Megan Fox switch from trousers to a short shirt and then walk in slo-mo all cleavage ahoy and hair a-flicking.
I'm sure it was imperative.
It made it into the trailer, so surely it was a key plot point.
It had to be, because the alternative was that director Dave Green (of Earth To Echo fame) just wanted to give the dads and age-appropriate teenagers something to perv at.
And that would never happen in a film with Michael Bay's name attached to it, would it?
Of course not.
Amazingly, it goes even further downhill from here.
As Shredder escapes, gets teleported to Somewhere, plots with Krang, turns Rocksteady and Bepop into the animals we know and love (try not to dwell on which actor becomes which animal, you won't like the answers you come up with) and then sets about taking over the world AGAIN, the audience is left wondering where the fun went.
And it's all down to the writing and directing.
Fight scenes don't make any sense, the plot makes even less (but you can cut that some slack) and the stars look like loved ones are being held hostage while they are forced to parade in front of the camera.
Seriously.
Look at Laura Linney's face throughout - if that's not a cry for help, what is?
Even Stephen Amell is wooden, and this is the guy who gives one-dimensional a new name in Arrow.
There is, amazingly, one funny bit. I did actually laugh. And it involves Will Arnett and a chair.
Doesn't sound like a highlight, I know, but when all you've had to eat is sawdust you'll be amazed how good a stale cracker tastes.
The first one was just loud, noisy and brash. All this had to be, to be even half as good, was the same again.
But no.
What we get is way, way, way worse.
And it's the kids I feel sorry for.
The Turtles have a huge fanbase, a fanbase which by now covers generations - hell, I include myself and I only ever played the game.
There are fans out there who don't even know it was a role-playing game - that's how far the brand has grown and flourished.
So surely, especially given the success of the first film, the eager audience deserved better than lines so bad if you found they'd been scrawled on the wall in crayon you wouldn't be surprised.
It's genuinely as if the people in charge figured the fans would see any old crap, skipped the quality control stage and gave them just that.
But how was that possible when Michael Bay was involved, eh?
No comments:
Post a Comment