Well, that's the montage bit of the evening, now we can get on with enjoying Stephen Fry's warm opening.
If I, Daniel Blake doesn't win everything twice, we're going to have a massive strop. Bigly.
Have to say, the Albert Hall has never looked better. Wonder how many holes would fill it?
Ooh, look, Meryl's just snogged Mr Fry.
And we're diving in with Outstanding British Film.
We've got I, Daniel Blake (HAS TO WIN), American Honey, Denial, Notes On Blindness, Under The Shadow, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them.
YES!!!!
Good to see the Academy agrees with us. What a truly stunning film. Ken Loach looks slightly shocked.
And now he gets to drive home the message again - calling the benefits system callous and brutal.
Gets a good kick in about the Syrian refugee disgrace too. Got to love Ken.
Can we vote for him to be our leader yet?
Next up, the EE Rising Star award.
And we have...
Lucas Hedges, Anya Taylor-Joy, Laia Costa, Tom Holland, Ruth Negga (she's our choice out of a tough crowd).
And it goes to the new Spiderman, Tom Holland. Very well deserved.
He looks about seven. Don't you hate it when good things happen to deserving people?
Balls, no adverts on the BBC (well, not yet). One finds one's wine glass is empty...
And now we have Best Adapted Screenplay.
Stanley Tucci and Emily Blunt present - Nocturnal Animals, Hidden Figures, Lion, Hacksaw Ridge, Arrival.
And the winner is...
Luke Davies for Lion. (wouldn't be our choice)
The excitement is mounting here:
Hugh Grant's here now. Quiet in the cheap seats. Best Supporting Actress here we go.
Viola Davis (GO VIOLA), Michelle Williams, Naomi Harris, Hayley Squires (GO HAYLEY), Nicole Kidman.
And the winner is.... Viola Davis! Fantastic stuff. She's our pick for the Oscar, should you care to listen to the podcast.
And what a brilliant, stirring, passionate speech. Trump won't be happy...
If you're reading this, by the way, as I type away furiously, wine-free and dog-snored, feel free to comment as we go :)
Right, cartoon time. Who we got?
Finding Dory, Moana, Zootropolis (HAS TO BE, NO?), Kubo And The Two Strings.
And the winner is... Kubo And The Two Strings. ZOOTROPOLIS WAS ROBBED!!!!
Kudos to Kubo. But Zootropolis should have won.
Right, on to Daisy Ridley and Luke Evans with the award for visual effects.
Well, that was a stilted delivery. #Sad.
Right, Fantastic Beasts, Arrival, Doctor Strange (has to win, surely), Rogue One, The Jungle Book.
Well tickle my Balloo, The Jungle Book has won.
Sadly, the Trident missile gag missed it's mark there.
Time for Outstanding Debut. And a good fist of Fifty Shades gags.
The Girl With All The Gifts (really?), The Pass, The Hard Stop, Under The Shadow, and Notes On Blindness.
And it's the guys behind Under The Shadow who take the bauble.
We're rattling through these. Now on to Supporting Actor. Presented by Felicity Jones.
She used to be in The Archers you know.
These guys didn't, however - Mahershala Ali (he's our tip), Dev Patel, Hugh Grant, Jeff Bridges (bet he gets it), Aaron Taylor Johnson.
And the golden statue mask thingie goes to... Dev Patel.
Lovely. Even if he's only in half the film.
He was better in Newsroom. And Marigold Hotel. And Slumdog. But he's a top bloke and his speech is just delightfully British and modest.
Grab your hankies, it's the cull of 2016...
Can't say I've ever wondered what Hallelujah sounded like on a cello...
Given how many people we lost last year, this might be the 12" extended remix version.
And we finish with John Hurt. Still can't believe he's gone.
Having crashed the mood through the floor, it's on to Outstanding British Contribution. Good luck lifting the crowd there Stephen.
We have a French person talking and presenting award. I'm sure this isn't what Brexiteers voted for...
Ahh, Curzon cinema. A fine institution. Some fine films they've been responsible for.
What a great sentence there. We do this for a living you know...
Wine glass still empty, by the way. Not that anyone cares.
And the award for most British speech of the night goes to...
Here we go, Original Screenplay.
And we have - La La Land (please gods, no), Manchester By The Sea, Moonlight, I, Daniel Blake (THIS! ALL THE THIS!!), Hell Or High Water.
And Manchester By The Sea wins. Booooooooooo.
Although fair play to Kenneth Lonergan. His daughter sounds like a top girl. He ain't getting back into the States any time soon.
Right, on to Leading Actor.
Andrew Garfield (good, but...), Viggo Mortenson (still no idea why, good as he is), Casey Affleck, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Gosling (just stop it).
Where the hell was Davey Johns????
Casey Affleck picks up the golden trinket, but it should be Davey for I, Daniel Blake and we all know it.
Well, this speech is what the young kids would call a buzzkill.
Right, on to something more upbeat. Best Director time.
I still need wine.
Ever wondered how important screenplays and directors are? Watch talented actors and actresses try and deliver an 'off the cuff' bit of award presentation guff.
JUST GET TO THE NOMINEES.
Denis Villeneuve, Ken Loach (give it to him now please), Kenneth Lonergan, Tom Ford, Damien Chazelle (seriously, don't).
CHAZELLE???? SERIOUSLY????
When can we start the petition to get it re-awarded to Ken?
Oh well, moving on. Time for Leading Actress.
And we have Meryl Streep, Amy Adams, Emma Stone, Natalie Portman, Emily Blunt.
And Mr Redmayne says it's Emma Stone.
Nope, no idea why either.
Things just got interesting - the cat's playing with the keyboard jgityiqwdkjbkxhx.
Apparently he's helping bjkghkgbv.
Right, best film time.
And wine has arrived. I know you were getting worried.
There's a theme from the stars - anyone would think Trump and Brexit are not popular.
Right, anyhoo - we have La La Land (just stop it now), I, Daniel Blake (THISTHISTHISTHISTHIS), Manchester By The Sea, Moonlight, Arrival (could live with this).
And La La Land won.
Seriously.
Look at that list again. That's a seriously deserving, hard-hitting list.
And the marshmallow cushion won.
Pft.
Seriously not getting this La La love-in.
Right, time for the fellowship. The cat has his paws crossed.
And it's Mel Brooks!
This speech should be good...
Sneaky Hitler reference from Simon Pegg there. I'm sure Trump won't have noticed.
Bloody love this guy. I feel a podcast coming on...
He thinks of England as a vast Brooklyn that speaks better. Bless his big nose.
And we're done for 2017. Same time next year folks?
Winners:
Outstanding British Film - I, Daniel Blake
EE Rising Star - Tom Holland
Best Adapted Screenplay - Luke Davies, Lion
Best Supporting Actress - Viola Davis
Best Animated Film - Kubo And The Two Strings
Best Visual Effects - The Jungle Book
Outstanding Debut - Babak Anvari/Emily Leo/Oliver Roskil/Lucan Toh
Best Supporting Actor - Dev Patel
Outstanding British Contribution - Curzon Cinema
Best Original Screenplay - Kenneth Lonergan (Manchester By The Sea)
Leading Actor - Casey Affleck
Best Director - Damien Chazelle
Leading Actress - Emma Stone
Best Film - La La Land.
Fellowship - Mel Brooks
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